Waiting and Choosing

Every day I check the internet to see if there are any new house listings.  Ok, maybe more than once a day.  I may be a bit obsessive.  Plus, they made an app, people.  I can check it on my phone! 

Every day I check for new listings and usually there is nothing new.  Or, something new - momentary excitement -  that is not a good fit.  Two bedroom?  No thank you (I wish). 

The sensation is expectancy, a bit of doubt, a bit of realism, and then some disappointment. 

It reminds me of something…

It reminds me of last year (2018), about this same time, when I would check the Oregon State website: Oregon Adoption Resource Exchange.  This is the closed website that displays all the legally-free, adoptable children in the state of Oregon.

I would check it every day.  I would try really, really hard not to check it more than once a day.  I would search, altering the parameters.  What if the kid for me is just outside of my filters?  What if they are not 1-4 years old?  What if they are 11 months old?  What if they are older than that?  Maybe I should consider a 9 year old. I would read and consider and email our case worker, “what about XYZ?  What does ‘would do best as an only child’ mean?” 

I made lists, I took notes, I thought about what life would be like with each child and I submitted our name for consideration.  I prayed and yearned and prayed again.

We ended up submitting for 5 children and were selected to go to committee for 2.  That means the child’s case worker wanted us to be one of three families considered for the adoption of that child.  We could possibly have gone to committee for both, but thought that one was probably enough and also that one was actually a better fit for us than the other. 

God had a plan.

The child we ended up with was not the child I had imagined (I have been very transparent about this).  I tried really hard not to have expectations and yet… I inadvertently envisioned a quiet, 4 year old girl with dark hair – potty trained… loves to read...  Ok, ok, I failed at not creating expectations.  But we said again and again, “God, we want the child you have picked out for us.  We want you to choose.  Lead us to that child.”

And now we have 2 year old, bouncy, talkative (oh man, talkative), smiley, overly-friendly (never met a stranger), M.  And we have been assured and confirmed in myriad ways, that he is the child God wanted for our family.  Not the child we would have chosen given a line-up, but the child that was meant for our family (and vice versa).  That is more than a comfort.  That is a blessed assurance.

Already But Not Yet

Already but not yet is a theological concept the internet tells me was developed by Gerhardus Vos early in this century (thank you internet).  It’s the idea that the kingdom of God is both already come (present) and not yet here (future).  Today you will be with me in Paradise says Jesus to the thief on the cross (Luke 23:43).  And yet… here we are… 2000 years later and time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future (Steve Miller Band, 1976).  But the work is done.  Jesus has conquered death, we have entered into a new reality of freedom from the law – we’re there!  But… also, not quite yet. 

It’s not the only paradox in Christianity. 

If this is still not making 100% sense to you, I had an already but not yet experience today that may help.

I really want to buy a house, right, we’ve already covered this.  So, I am seeing my current house as if we are moving in, like, 30 days.  I’ve scheduled a big yard sale at the end of April and that has me in over-drive to get enough items to make the sale worthwhile.  My eyes scan my house continually looking for items to purge. 

“Do I love this picture?  Nah, sell it.”  Marie Kondo and Niecy Nash would be proud of me.

So I am ALREADY in move-mode.  I’m cleaning out the freezer and the pantry. I’m not planting summer crops (yet).  I’m keeping my schedule open.  I am ready.  I am there.  I am motivated.  I am mentally, emotionally already moving. 

But NOT YET.

The not yet comes because I don’t actually have a house to move into yet.  I’m anticipating. I’m prepared.  But I don’t have an actual destination yet.

This reminds me so much of the kingdom of God!  I know Jesus has conquered death.  I know I’m headed to eternity with him.  I am anticipating it.  I am ready for it.  I am expecting it. But I’m not there yet.

In the meantime, what do I do?  I look around; I live life with kingdom eyes.  Instead of looking for stuff to purge and pack, I’m looking for people to love.  Instead of trying to empty the pantry, I’m asking myself how can I seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly (Micah 6:8)?

The kingdom of God is HERE – it is in the people who love and serve God!  And it is coming soon!

Despair

Despair

To be without hope

Lately I have been feeling the urge, the call, the pressing desire to MOVE.  I’m 37 and have never owned a house.  We have 3 kids and it would be great to have another room.  And, we’ve been debt-free and saving for 3 years and I have thousands of dollars yearning to be invested!  The problem is… the market locally is D.R.Y. What we want, we can’t afford and what we can afford needs T.L.C.  Some listings literally say, “home is of no value.”  Um… ok, then why is it still $300k??

So, I’ve been praying.  I’ve been praying for years.  “God, put us in a house.”  “God, you know my desire is for a house.  Please provide the house.”  And, thankfully, I/we’ve been content to wait (my husband more-so than me).  But since March, I have lost my contentment.  But I still have peace.  “God, I know you have the perfect place picked out for us.  Please show us the house you want for us.”

I feel that God is telling me, the time is near.  Not only is my desire strong (nearly obsessive at time). But, strangely enough, my husband is now suddenly (for the first time in 7 years) also ready to house-shop. 

We thought we had found “it.”  We put an offer in, offer was accepted, but we became aware of some issues and walked away (a story for another time; let’s just say “buyer beware” ain’t a joke). 

That same week we walked away, all the other houses that appealed to us received pending offers. 

“This is good,” I thought, “we can re-enter the market with a clean slate.”

We looked at a quirky little house with a big yard.

We looked at a quirky big house with a little yard.

Neither were just right.

And there are no other places to consider at the moment.

I came home physically tired yesterday, snapped at my husband over a quip he made, thought about our house choices and began to despair. 

Now, I know myself.  I know that I am prone to down-times, especially when I am physically tired.  I know that if I begin to get down, I can allow myself to feel some of the down-feelings and do self-care.  So I took a long shower and went to bed early, feeling sad. 

But in the morning, I did not want to wake up. I didn’t want to start the day. I didn’t want to get anything done. I felt that life was hopeless.  We’d go on renting forever and never move. Our rent would go up, I’d stop taking care of the yard, I’d give up gardening, there was no hope in sight.  

Despair.

Now, reading that, that sounds pretty dumb. Of all the minuscule things to get depressed about, not finding the perfect house to buy and having to live in a perfectly lovely rental is not the worst thing in the world by far.  But when you FEEL despair, rational thought is not really going to get you up out of the hole.

Thankfully (??) I have children with needs that must be met.  So, when the choice became let the 2yo walk around the house and climb into my bed with pee pee PJ’s … or… get up and change his pants, I got out of bed and began the day.  But I felt the weight of the despair pressing down on me.  As I moved around my day, being forced to function, my brain began to awaken to several voices. 

One voice, the despair voice, was saying all the messages of hopelessness above.  One voice, the rational voice, was telling me how immature I was acting and how small my problem was.  But the voice that began to crack the despair was the voice that ministered to me and drew me into prayer.  This voice didn’t chide me for my feelings or dark thoughts.  This voice said things like.  “God has a plan for you.”  “God still has the perfect place picked out for you” “Haven’t you had to wait on God before?” “Don’t you want to wait for God’s best?”  “God knows the desires of your heart.”  And soon, I began echo-ing the ministering voice.  The voice said, “God’s timing is perfect.”  And I echoed, “God, your timing is perfect.”

“God knows the desires of your heart.”

“God, you know the desires of my heart.”

“God is trustworthy.”

“God, you are trustworthy.  I trust you.”

“God is the giver of good gifts.”

“God, you are the giver of good gifts.  You delight in giving generously to your children. You are trustworthy, your timing is perfect. I have waited on you before and I know that you have a plan for my life. You know exactly where you want me to live. You go before me and make my path straight. The best place to be in the whole world is in the middle of your will.”

I still feel sad and frustrated and disappointed. But I have surrendered my despair. God is my sovereign Lord and I will wait on him.

What's Growing: April

blossoms on the plum tree

I knew I had slowed down on my gardening - life gets busy and full.  But looking back at what was growing April 2015 is a little embarrassing.  

https://likeatreeplantedoregon.blogspot.com/2015/04/whats-growing-april.html

Here's a comparison as to what I have growing in 2019.

Arugula - overwintered and transplanted.  I'm not sure if they will grow or bolt.

Asparagus - not up yet

Blueberry - flowering

Celery - planted from kitchen scraps but having trouble establishing.  The ones from last year didn't overwinter well.  I suspect varmints.

Garlic - overwintered and starting to come back. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuxNZtelYCf/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet

Grape - pruned, no buds

Kale - Didn't overwinter.  Planted in March.

Nasturtium - wasn't successful last year

Onion- planted in March

Oregano - overwintered and coming back

Pea - will plant in April

Plum - blooming

Potato - they won't grow! We even dug out the potato bed last year and took out a ton of tree roots.  The tree roots are back but I suspect some kind of varmint.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BluLPZzBm4z/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet

Raspberry - this year's canes aren't quite coming up yet

Rosemary - overwintered 

Rutabaga - the few that overwintered are being eaten by slugs. yuck.

Spinach - just planted in March

Strawberry - overwintered but weak

Thyme - overwintered but weak




New to this list:

Brussel sprouts - overwintered and gave some nice sprouts but are now bolting.  I will save seeds!

Chives - perennial herb 

Greenbeans - planted in March

Lettuce - planted in March

Marionberry and Loganberry - pruned but no new canes yet.



This will be my 7th summer gardening this land (mini-farm).  I have added and lost bees.  I have added and lost and added chickens.  We have cats and a dog.  I grow less seed crops and more perennials.  I have noticed seasonal clues to planting (like when the daffodils come up).  Each year is a bit different.  Each harvest unique.  All are enjoyable.  Planting is a passion I will not easily give up.  Cheers to 2019!  Let's see what the season holds.

Time to Blog Again

It's been over two years since I last blogged. 
Did I stop gardening?
No.
Did I stop having info to share?
No.
Did I stop having things to say?
Ha!
Did I stop writing?
... kind of...
but I'm back!

And, in the meantime, I have started and enjoyed an Instagram account. 

Check it out:  https://www.instagram.com/gretch_ging/

Spring Returns

The end of February and its beginning to feel like Spring.  Daffodils grow taller, up from the grass.  Bird song begins to fill the early morning air.  Peeper calls rebounds at dusk.  Nature is reawakening.  Brought back to life by the warm, persistent rain.

My Blog has moved Locations

I have LOVED blogging (as I suspected I would) over the past year.  I've been surprised and interested at the posts people found interesting and which they ignored.  Thanks to all of you who read. 

I'm moving on to 'Phase 2'

Moving to a different site with a few more options. 

You can now find me blogging on the same topics at:
http://likeatreeplanted.sitey.me/

Thanks to blogger.com for all the fun times. :)