Despair

Despair

To be without hope

Lately I have been feeling the urge, the call, the pressing desire to MOVE.  I’m 37 and have never owned a house.  We have 3 kids and it would be great to have another room.  And, we’ve been debt-free and saving for 3 years and I have thousands of dollars yearning to be invested!  The problem is… the market locally is D.R.Y. What we want, we can’t afford and what we can afford needs T.L.C.  Some listings literally say, “home is of no value.”  Um… ok, then why is it still $300k??

So, I’ve been praying.  I’ve been praying for years.  “God, put us in a house.”  “God, you know my desire is for a house.  Please provide the house.”  And, thankfully, I/we’ve been content to wait (my husband more-so than me).  But since March, I have lost my contentment.  But I still have peace.  “God, I know you have the perfect place picked out for us.  Please show us the house you want for us.”

I feel that God is telling me, the time is near.  Not only is my desire strong (nearly obsessive at time). But, strangely enough, my husband is now suddenly (for the first time in 7 years) also ready to house-shop. 

We thought we had found “it.”  We put an offer in, offer was accepted, but we became aware of some issues and walked away (a story for another time; let’s just say “buyer beware” ain’t a joke). 

That same week we walked away, all the other houses that appealed to us received pending offers. 

“This is good,” I thought, “we can re-enter the market with a clean slate.”

We looked at a quirky little house with a big yard.

We looked at a quirky big house with a little yard.

Neither were just right.

And there are no other places to consider at the moment.

I came home physically tired yesterday, snapped at my husband over a quip he made, thought about our house choices and began to despair. 

Now, I know myself.  I know that I am prone to down-times, especially when I am physically tired.  I know that if I begin to get down, I can allow myself to feel some of the down-feelings and do self-care.  So I took a long shower and went to bed early, feeling sad. 

But in the morning, I did not want to wake up. I didn’t want to start the day. I didn’t want to get anything done. I felt that life was hopeless.  We’d go on renting forever and never move. Our rent would go up, I’d stop taking care of the yard, I’d give up gardening, there was no hope in sight.  

Despair.

Now, reading that, that sounds pretty dumb. Of all the minuscule things to get depressed about, not finding the perfect house to buy and having to live in a perfectly lovely rental is not the worst thing in the world by far.  But when you FEEL despair, rational thought is not really going to get you up out of the hole.

Thankfully (??) I have children with needs that must be met.  So, when the choice became let the 2yo walk around the house and climb into my bed with pee pee PJ’s … or… get up and change his pants, I got out of bed and began the day.  But I felt the weight of the despair pressing down on me.  As I moved around my day, being forced to function, my brain began to awaken to several voices. 

One voice, the despair voice, was saying all the messages of hopelessness above.  One voice, the rational voice, was telling me how immature I was acting and how small my problem was.  But the voice that began to crack the despair was the voice that ministered to me and drew me into prayer.  This voice didn’t chide me for my feelings or dark thoughts.  This voice said things like.  “God has a plan for you.”  “God still has the perfect place picked out for you” “Haven’t you had to wait on God before?” “Don’t you want to wait for God’s best?”  “God knows the desires of your heart.”  And soon, I began echo-ing the ministering voice.  The voice said, “God’s timing is perfect.”  And I echoed, “God, your timing is perfect.”

“God knows the desires of your heart.”

“God, you know the desires of my heart.”

“God is trustworthy.”

“God, you are trustworthy.  I trust you.”

“God is the giver of good gifts.”

“God, you are the giver of good gifts.  You delight in giving generously to your children. You are trustworthy, your timing is perfect. I have waited on you before and I know that you have a plan for my life. You know exactly where you want me to live. You go before me and make my path straight. The best place to be in the whole world is in the middle of your will.”

I still feel sad and frustrated and disappointed. But I have surrendered my despair. God is my sovereign Lord and I will wait on him.