He Will Guide Your Steps

The house I was excited about smelled like cigarette smoke.  Our realtor smelled it, we smelled it, we went outside for 5 minutes and came back in and smelled it even stronger.  Our realtor advised us that it is really, really hard to get smoke-smell out.  It’s in every soft surface – walls, ceilings, rugs, etc.  Strange thing, the owners don’t smoke.   

If it hadn’t smelled like smoke, we might have put in an offer.  My husband said he was trying really hard to be as excited about it as I was.  I LOVED the neighborhood – cute, wide, quiet streets, literally a 5 minute walk to a really cool playground – with bathrooms!  A great straight-shot 15 minute commute for him.  And everyone gets a bedroom!

But… it really did smell like smoke - that acrid smell that hits you when you enter a room. 

That was Friday.  Monday we went to look at one I had seen at an open house back in February.  I remember walking in, being unimpressed with the 4^th bedroom (no carpet, small closet) and thinking, this is a good house for people who want to see nature but not be outside (the backyard is less than tiny, but it backs up to a green space).  But this time, I walked in and thought – doable, doable, all doable.  Funny how your real estate perspective can change in three months.  The kids were excited – everyone gets their own bedroom and they stay at the same school.  The husband was excited – our bedroom is gigantic and on the other side of the house from the kids.   And there is nothing better on the market at this time.  So, we put in an offer. 

Inspection was Friday.  I give earnest money tomorrow.  Looks like a move is coming. 

We are leaving our giant yard and giant garden.  We are passing-on our chickens and re-homing our big dog.  The cats are coming with, but there’s no guarantee that they will stick around.  They may not adapt to the in-town life.  We are down-sizing our outside-life.  … and we’re all ok with it.

The funny thing is that it’s become trendy lately to buy land out in the country and start a mini-farm.  Homesteading (#homestead) some are calling it.  I have a friend who moved here last year from the city.  She and her husband and 3 kids bought 20 acres in the country and moved.  They have cows, peacocks, chickens, goats, llamas, bees…  and she loves it.  A bit ironic that “outsiders” can afford to start a farm in the neighborhood but those of us from the valley can’t.  I guess that’s just the way it goes.  If she can afford it and loves it, more power to her.  I will move into town and take a few years off from the mini-farm life.  A Sabbath is good for everyone – even farmers. J

Provision

Today I feel peace.  I feel thankful and provided for.  I feel that God is looking out for me and my family. 

What have we been praying?  “God,put us into the house you have chosen for us.” 

A few weeks ago, our offer was accepted but we backed out before the earnest money was given (a story for another time).

Sunday we were going to put in an offer but we were 4 hours too late.

Today we were going to go back to a house we had previously considered and probably put in an offer but found out this morning that last night, they accepted an offer. 

Why would that make me feel thankful and provided for?  Because it makes me feel like God is directing our path.  He is leading us somewhere specific.  I don’t think God always does this, but in this case, I really do.  There is somewhere specific we are supposed to be and we are being protected from pairings that would not be ideal.  I love that.

Last night, my little boy woke up at 3am yelling from a dream (not uncommon).  Usually I can get back to sleep after 15 minutes or so.  But last night as soon as I was conscious, I started thinking about the house we were to see today.  I thought about it for an hour before I finally got out of bed. Then I thought about it some more. 

Something about the frenzy of my mind must have convicted me because I had a little “talk” with myself.  “You know, you’ve been saying for weeks that you need to ‘chill your buns’ on this house hunting.  You keep saying that but then you gear all the way up again being obsessive and scheming.  You’re getting worn out.  Your family is getting worn out.  And this is turning into one of you ‘plan your way to the goal’ efforts that you know doesn’t work for you.  What have you learned?  You need to put more of your ACTIVE energy into pursuing God – praying, reading, waiting, listening.  And you need to ‘chill your buns’ on trying to scheme your way to an ideal future.”

Then I remembered Jesus.  Ya, him.  What did he say when he was hanging on the cross?  “Father, into your hands, I commit my spirit.” (Luke 23:46).  This is from Psalm 31 and the verse right before it (verse 4) says, “keep me from the trap that is set for me.”  Sometimes, a house can be a trap.  That is one of our big fears.  Since this is our first house, we don’t want to be in a house-trap where we can’t afford the payments or the repairs or can’t resell it when the time comes.  But God is proving faithful over and over  and keeping us from the traps set.

Once again, I fully realize how shallow it sounds to compare my house-search struggle with Jesus’ sacrifice or with the psalmist fleeing from him enemies.  #whitepeopleproblems #firstworldproblems  I get it, I know.  But, guess what?  God cares about my white-people, first-world problems too!  He does.  He’s big enough to care for the orphan and the oppressed and find me an awesome place to live.  That’s the amazing love of our God.  Giver of good gifts (James 1:17)!

Now, my mind is hyperactive (though the rest of me is NOT!).  And one thing that calms my over-active brain is a good mantra.  When I start to swirl, I redirect the brain pathways.  I refocus.  So my mantra became, “Into your hands I commit my spirit.”  And it snapped me out of my scheming tail-spin. 

I tell you what – not an hour later I found out that the house I had been obsessing over since the wee hours was pending. 

THAT’s when I felt grateful.  That’s when I felt provided for. 

God is so dang faithful.  Faithful beyond our human capacity.  He knows!  He knows our dang corrupted hearts. He KNOWS my propensity to over-plan instead of trust and wait.  And like a kind Father, he disciplines me.  He waits.  And when I bend my knee and my heart, he acts. 

Look at the Moravian Daily Text I received today…

Maundy Thursday

Watchword for Maundy Thursday — He has gained renown by his wonderful deeds; the Lord is gracious and merciful. Psalm 111:4

Thursday, April 18 — Psalm 51:1–6
Job 22,23; 1 Corinthians 3:1–11

Mortals look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

The Lord turned and looked at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how he had said to him, “Before the cock crows today, you will deny me three times.” And he went out and wept bitterly. Luke 22:61-62

Lord, you see the whole of us. Polish our inmost hearts so that we shine with your love and claim you as our Lord. We pray in your most holy name. Amen.

My heart is in need of some serious polishing.

I am Peter.  I look so good on the outside.  I sound good – I will stand by you Lord!  I will die with you!  But a few hours later… I break Jesus’ heart and the cock crows.  That is me.  Again and again. 

I had coffee planned with a friend this morning.  I was grateful for a chance to get out of my neighborhood, into the sunshine.  I was thankful to have someone else to focus on for a while.  I turned my yearning for a house into prayers for others.  So many (everyone in fact) need prayers- we all have yearnings and longings, hurts and sufferings.

On the way home, I drove by one house that had been on the edge of my radar.  It’s nothing fancy.  It’s priced well, a good size, a good location, a decent neighborhood.  We don’t really have time to see it this weekend.  But, you know what?  I’m actuallyexcited about it.  A peaceful excited, not a scheming excited.  I think because I am leaning into God now and have (maybe temporarily) put aside my scheming, I’m finally able to relax a bit and stop pushing.  We’ll see how long that lasts.

Into your hands, I commit my spirit…

Waiting and Choosing

Every day I check the internet to see if there are any new house listings.  Ok, maybe more than once a day.  I may be a bit obsessive.  Plus, they made an app, people.  I can check it on my phone! 

Every day I check for new listings and usually there is nothing new.  Or, something new - momentary excitement -  that is not a good fit.  Two bedroom?  No thank you (I wish). 

The sensation is expectancy, a bit of doubt, a bit of realism, and then some disappointment. 

It reminds me of something…

It reminds me of last year (2018), about this same time, when I would check the Oregon State website: Oregon Adoption Resource Exchange.  This is the closed website that displays all the legally-free, adoptable children in the state of Oregon.

I would check it every day.  I would try really, really hard not to check it more than once a day.  I would search, altering the parameters.  What if the kid for me is just outside of my filters?  What if they are not 1-4 years old?  What if they are 11 months old?  What if they are older than that?  Maybe I should consider a 9 year old. I would read and consider and email our case worker, “what about XYZ?  What does ‘would do best as an only child’ mean?” 

I made lists, I took notes, I thought about what life would be like with each child and I submitted our name for consideration.  I prayed and yearned and prayed again.

We ended up submitting for 5 children and were selected to go to committee for 2.  That means the child’s case worker wanted us to be one of three families considered for the adoption of that child.  We could possibly have gone to committee for both, but thought that one was probably enough and also that one was actually a better fit for us than the other. 

God had a plan.

The child we ended up with was not the child I had imagined (I have been very transparent about this).  I tried really hard not to have expectations and yet… I inadvertently envisioned a quiet, 4 year old girl with dark hair – potty trained… loves to read...  Ok, ok, I failed at not creating expectations.  But we said again and again, “God, we want the child you have picked out for us.  We want you to choose.  Lead us to that child.”

And now we have 2 year old, bouncy, talkative (oh man, talkative), smiley, overly-friendly (never met a stranger), M.  And we have been assured and confirmed in myriad ways, that he is the child God wanted for our family.  Not the child we would have chosen given a line-up, but the child that was meant for our family (and vice versa).  That is more than a comfort.  That is a blessed assurance.

Already But Not Yet

Already but not yet is a theological concept the internet tells me was developed by Gerhardus Vos early in this century (thank you internet).  It’s the idea that the kingdom of God is both already come (present) and not yet here (future).  Today you will be with me in Paradise says Jesus to the thief on the cross (Luke 23:43).  And yet… here we are… 2000 years later and time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future (Steve Miller Band, 1976).  But the work is done.  Jesus has conquered death, we have entered into a new reality of freedom from the law – we’re there!  But… also, not quite yet. 

It’s not the only paradox in Christianity. 

If this is still not making 100% sense to you, I had an already but not yet experience today that may help.

I really want to buy a house, right, we’ve already covered this.  So, I am seeing my current house as if we are moving in, like, 30 days.  I’ve scheduled a big yard sale at the end of April and that has me in over-drive to get enough items to make the sale worthwhile.  My eyes scan my house continually looking for items to purge. 

“Do I love this picture?  Nah, sell it.”  Marie Kondo and Niecy Nash would be proud of me.

So I am ALREADY in move-mode.  I’m cleaning out the freezer and the pantry. I’m not planting summer crops (yet).  I’m keeping my schedule open.  I am ready.  I am there.  I am motivated.  I am mentally, emotionally already moving. 

But NOT YET.

The not yet comes because I don’t actually have a house to move into yet.  I’m anticipating. I’m prepared.  But I don’t have an actual destination yet.

This reminds me so much of the kingdom of God!  I know Jesus has conquered death.  I know I’m headed to eternity with him.  I am anticipating it.  I am ready for it.  I am expecting it. But I’m not there yet.

In the meantime, what do I do?  I look around; I live life with kingdom eyes.  Instead of looking for stuff to purge and pack, I’m looking for people to love.  Instead of trying to empty the pantry, I’m asking myself how can I seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly (Micah 6:8)?

The kingdom of God is HERE – it is in the people who love and serve God!  And it is coming soon!

Despair

Despair

To be without hope

Lately I have been feeling the urge, the call, the pressing desire to MOVE.  I’m 37 and have never owned a house.  We have 3 kids and it would be great to have another room.  And, we’ve been debt-free and saving for 3 years and I have thousands of dollars yearning to be invested!  The problem is… the market locally is D.R.Y. What we want, we can’t afford and what we can afford needs T.L.C.  Some listings literally say, “home is of no value.”  Um… ok, then why is it still $300k??

So, I’ve been praying.  I’ve been praying for years.  “God, put us in a house.”  “God, you know my desire is for a house.  Please provide the house.”  And, thankfully, I/we’ve been content to wait (my husband more-so than me).  But since March, I have lost my contentment.  But I still have peace.  “God, I know you have the perfect place picked out for us.  Please show us the house you want for us.”

I feel that God is telling me, the time is near.  Not only is my desire strong (nearly obsessive at time). But, strangely enough, my husband is now suddenly (for the first time in 7 years) also ready to house-shop. 

We thought we had found “it.”  We put an offer in, offer was accepted, but we became aware of some issues and walked away (a story for another time; let’s just say “buyer beware” ain’t a joke). 

That same week we walked away, all the other houses that appealed to us received pending offers. 

“This is good,” I thought, “we can re-enter the market with a clean slate.”

We looked at a quirky little house with a big yard.

We looked at a quirky big house with a little yard.

Neither were just right.

And there are no other places to consider at the moment.

I came home physically tired yesterday, snapped at my husband over a quip he made, thought about our house choices and began to despair. 

Now, I know myself.  I know that I am prone to down-times, especially when I am physically tired.  I know that if I begin to get down, I can allow myself to feel some of the down-feelings and do self-care.  So I took a long shower and went to bed early, feeling sad. 

But in the morning, I did not want to wake up. I didn’t want to start the day. I didn’t want to get anything done. I felt that life was hopeless.  We’d go on renting forever and never move. Our rent would go up, I’d stop taking care of the yard, I’d give up gardening, there was no hope in sight.  

Despair.

Now, reading that, that sounds pretty dumb. Of all the minuscule things to get depressed about, not finding the perfect house to buy and having to live in a perfectly lovely rental is not the worst thing in the world by far.  But when you FEEL despair, rational thought is not really going to get you up out of the hole.

Thankfully (??) I have children with needs that must be met.  So, when the choice became let the 2yo walk around the house and climb into my bed with pee pee PJ’s … or… get up and change his pants, I got out of bed and began the day.  But I felt the weight of the despair pressing down on me.  As I moved around my day, being forced to function, my brain began to awaken to several voices. 

One voice, the despair voice, was saying all the messages of hopelessness above.  One voice, the rational voice, was telling me how immature I was acting and how small my problem was.  But the voice that began to crack the despair was the voice that ministered to me and drew me into prayer.  This voice didn’t chide me for my feelings or dark thoughts.  This voice said things like.  “God has a plan for you.”  “God still has the perfect place picked out for you” “Haven’t you had to wait on God before?” “Don’t you want to wait for God’s best?”  “God knows the desires of your heart.”  And soon, I began echo-ing the ministering voice.  The voice said, “God’s timing is perfect.”  And I echoed, “God, your timing is perfect.”

“God knows the desires of your heart.”

“God, you know the desires of my heart.”

“God is trustworthy.”

“God, you are trustworthy.  I trust you.”

“God is the giver of good gifts.”

“God, you are the giver of good gifts.  You delight in giving generously to your children. You are trustworthy, your timing is perfect. I have waited on you before and I know that you have a plan for my life. You know exactly where you want me to live. You go before me and make my path straight. The best place to be in the whole world is in the middle of your will.”

I still feel sad and frustrated and disappointed. But I have surrendered my despair. God is my sovereign Lord and I will wait on him.