Provision

Today I feel peace.  I feel thankful and provided for.  I feel that God is looking out for me and my family. 

What have we been praying?  “God,put us into the house you have chosen for us.” 

A few weeks ago, our offer was accepted but we backed out before the earnest money was given (a story for another time).

Sunday we were going to put in an offer but we were 4 hours too late.

Today we were going to go back to a house we had previously considered and probably put in an offer but found out this morning that last night, they accepted an offer. 

Why would that make me feel thankful and provided for?  Because it makes me feel like God is directing our path.  He is leading us somewhere specific.  I don’t think God always does this, but in this case, I really do.  There is somewhere specific we are supposed to be and we are being protected from pairings that would not be ideal.  I love that.

Last night, my little boy woke up at 3am yelling from a dream (not uncommon).  Usually I can get back to sleep after 15 minutes or so.  But last night as soon as I was conscious, I started thinking about the house we were to see today.  I thought about it for an hour before I finally got out of bed. Then I thought about it some more. 

Something about the frenzy of my mind must have convicted me because I had a little “talk” with myself.  “You know, you’ve been saying for weeks that you need to ‘chill your buns’ on this house hunting.  You keep saying that but then you gear all the way up again being obsessive and scheming.  You’re getting worn out.  Your family is getting worn out.  And this is turning into one of you ‘plan your way to the goal’ efforts that you know doesn’t work for you.  What have you learned?  You need to put more of your ACTIVE energy into pursuing God – praying, reading, waiting, listening.  And you need to ‘chill your buns’ on trying to scheme your way to an ideal future.”

Then I remembered Jesus.  Ya, him.  What did he say when he was hanging on the cross?  “Father, into your hands, I commit my spirit.” (Luke 23:46).  This is from Psalm 31 and the verse right before it (verse 4) says, “keep me from the trap that is set for me.”  Sometimes, a house can be a trap.  That is one of our big fears.  Since this is our first house, we don’t want to be in a house-trap where we can’t afford the payments or the repairs or can’t resell it when the time comes.  But God is proving faithful over and over  and keeping us from the traps set.

Once again, I fully realize how shallow it sounds to compare my house-search struggle with Jesus’ sacrifice or with the psalmist fleeing from him enemies.  #whitepeopleproblems #firstworldproblems  I get it, I know.  But, guess what?  God cares about my white-people, first-world problems too!  He does.  He’s big enough to care for the orphan and the oppressed and find me an awesome place to live.  That’s the amazing love of our God.  Giver of good gifts (James 1:17)!

Now, my mind is hyperactive (though the rest of me is NOT!).  And one thing that calms my over-active brain is a good mantra.  When I start to swirl, I redirect the brain pathways.  I refocus.  So my mantra became, “Into your hands I commit my spirit.”  And it snapped me out of my scheming tail-spin. 

I tell you what – not an hour later I found out that the house I had been obsessing over since the wee hours was pending. 

THAT’s when I felt grateful.  That’s when I felt provided for. 

God is so dang faithful.  Faithful beyond our human capacity.  He knows!  He knows our dang corrupted hearts. He KNOWS my propensity to over-plan instead of trust and wait.  And like a kind Father, he disciplines me.  He waits.  And when I bend my knee and my heart, he acts. 

Look at the Moravian Daily Text I received today…

Maundy Thursday

Watchword for Maundy Thursday — He has gained renown by his wonderful deeds; the Lord is gracious and merciful. Psalm 111:4

Thursday, April 18 — Psalm 51:1–6
Job 22,23; 1 Corinthians 3:1–11

Mortals look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

The Lord turned and looked at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how he had said to him, “Before the cock crows today, you will deny me three times.” And he went out and wept bitterly. Luke 22:61-62

Lord, you see the whole of us. Polish our inmost hearts so that we shine with your love and claim you as our Lord. We pray in your most holy name. Amen.

My heart is in need of some serious polishing.

I am Peter.  I look so good on the outside.  I sound good – I will stand by you Lord!  I will die with you!  But a few hours later… I break Jesus’ heart and the cock crows.  That is me.  Again and again. 

I had coffee planned with a friend this morning.  I was grateful for a chance to get out of my neighborhood, into the sunshine.  I was thankful to have someone else to focus on for a while.  I turned my yearning for a house into prayers for others.  So many (everyone in fact) need prayers- we all have yearnings and longings, hurts and sufferings.

On the way home, I drove by one house that had been on the edge of my radar.  It’s nothing fancy.  It’s priced well, a good size, a good location, a decent neighborhood.  We don’t really have time to see it this weekend.  But, you know what?  I’m actuallyexcited about it.  A peaceful excited, not a scheming excited.  I think because I am leaning into God now and have (maybe temporarily) put aside my scheming, I’m finally able to relax a bit and stop pushing.  We’ll see how long that lasts.

Into your hands, I commit my spirit…